Red Assfault

West Virginia: guns, trees and sparse population.

There are a few things that I don’t like about the state of West Virginia: The crazy backwoods fuckers, the average weight of the female population, burning couches… It has also become apparent that no one knows how to tie knots or use bungee cords correctly there. But, I’ll get to that in a second.

There are a few things that I really like about West Virginia: The crazy backwoods fuckers (you can get lots of fun illegal stuff from them), beautiful mountain landscapes and well kept highways. The New river is a wonderful place to white water raft. It also boasts one of the most popular bridges to commit suicide off of in the entire world. I can respect a place where the right to life is exercised on a regular basis.

But, my very favorite thing about West Virginia is the 70 mile per hour speed limit.

Today I was driving through West Virginia, enjoying the scenery, doing 80 miles per hour in the family Kia, singing along to my new Kelly Clarkson cd and daydreaming about what the secret of monkey island might be when I moved into the passing lane behind a large truck. This apparently was a member of the aforementioned population who do not know how to fasten things to even a stationary object let alone a moving a vehicle.

At about three car lengths behind said truck it was difficult to ignore a large box fall off the back and onto the four lane highway in front of me. When I say large, I mean that this thing probably contained a stove or a small refrigerator at some point.

There are two outcomes to this story, either I am dead and visiting this interwebial plane in the form of a ghost who eternally has poop in his pants, or I am putting in applications as a stunt driver in the next Nicholas Cage film.

Either way, I think I’ll be riding my bicycle for the next few days.