Flying is Terrible

I would first like to thank blackberry for making live blogging impossible.

Second, I would like to tell you why flying is awful.

The first reason flying is awful is because of this guy.

In securities, in which i have professional experience in, it's important to make absolutely sure how bad this man smells. The best test is to make him take off his shoes in public. That way, we know how strong the stomachs are of the people standing behind him. If they vomit in the airport because of that guy's smells, they could be biological hazard on the plane and have to be put down.

The second reason is because of birds.

Apparently giant metal planes get their ass kicked all the time by these animals. I'm pretty sure i could kick any bird's ass and I'm not giant and metal with jet engines. Birds are small and dumb. Even if they are big, i could use my giant human brain to outsmart it. I did it in Dragon Age once with a Dragon and they are like big birds pretty much. Well, maybe i couldn't beat up a Cassowarie. Those are like the gangbangers of the bird world.

The third reason is because of bad parenting.

I could definitely kick a baby's ass. There is no doubt about that. They are small and weak and don't even have a valid form of ID or line of credit. I wouldn't do it because it's so easy, and because i'm a man and real men like challenges. The parents should be punished for bad kids. I'll leave that to someone else because they could know karate or have a gun or something that i don't even know about.

The fourth reason is because of praying.

I don't know why people need to have a prayer circle before getting onto a plane and while it is in flight. I'm pretty sure that once you get high up enough you could wave to jesus and be like, "don't player hate and knock down my plane, god jr.". Patrons of the Church of Bastard Phillips thought otherwise. One lady even read her own prayers that she made up to me. She said that jesus loves me, but i don't know if that is at all true. If jesus loved me, or even liked me, he might get back to me about that money i let him borrow from ages 7-13.

It's a good thing i'm so smart because i just figured out how the solution to all these problems yesterday. All you have to do is eat and drink as much as you can at an airport chili's and make stankin farts with your ass for the entire time you are on a plane. If need be, shit yourself and do it multiple times and make faces like this:

Then you don't have to put up with anyone's shit. Just yours.