fahn_patrick asks Dolderer:

SHOW ME YOUR PING PING IAAT

1) Fold or Crumple when you wipe? Do you feel this is a matter of nature or nurture?

Crumple/Pinchwipe technique. I was never taught how to crumple or fold. Perhaps I simply do not remember. My dad never made me watch him shit and then demonstrated a technique. I do remember the time I shit my pants in kindergarten on a field trip to the zoo. If I do what feels right, how can it be wrong?

2) How do you prepare yourself for the jorts ritual?

A long day prepares me for the ritual. I come home exhausted and then proceed directly to the bathtub. It has been filled with tomato paste by my chamberboy an hour prior to my arrival. He removes my clothing and then I submerge completely for 10 seconds. Afterward, I stand on the balcony for five minutes. A freshly steamed pair is waiting for me draped over the chamberboy's arm. Upon completion of the ritual, I run outside and chase elderly African-American women through the flea market.

3) Regarding the Dook ritual: What is your 1) Pre-Dook 2) Dook and 3) Post-Dook soundtrack? Explain the purpose and implications of each.

1. Phil Collins - In the air tonight. When the drums kick in it gets my bowels a'rumblin.

2. Silence with interspersed grunts. Well it usually starts with a hyperbolic scream as I unleash the dragon. That is my own enjoyment.

3. Rocky Theme. It just plays wherever I go. Not sure why.

4) Describe what you would do if you had your very own Krogan for a day.

Kill myself because I'm ugly and worthless and the inventory system sucks.

5) Give your theory on how Christian Renfrew lost the internet and what do you think his cat said to him as it righteously destroyed his life.

The story of little Christian. Such a sad one. He is nothing but a hollow shell of a man now. It all started when he broke both his ankles at a Terror show. After losing the ability to stagedive, he was a broken man. He felt hated. Impotent. Alone. He couldn't be seen in a wheelchair, it just wasn't right. So he seethed, and brooded, and plotted. Christian filled his apartment with sequoias. It was all part of his grand scheme to get back at the ones who took his legs. All went well in the first few weeks. However, soon he noticed a change. The trees, they changed. And his pet cat Reginald changed with them. Reggieluv (what he called him), had become much more skittish. He would lurk in the shadows of the towering trees. At night, Christian would hear whispers. Reginald no longer slept in the bed with him. In the coming days everything would change...

6) Favorite point-and-click adventure game and why?

Loom. It was my first one and I remember my sheer amazement with the game when I was a little kid. It was so awesome. The book was huge and looked like it was made in the year 1253. It was so cool. It was when stuff that came with computer games was large, and extremely detailed, and great. It was like liner notes in a CD, but 20x better. Also, the main character is named Bobbin Threadbare.

7) Explain what is happening in this picture: http://www.seizureandy.com/stuff/poop.jpg

A television dramatization of the famous Playstation game, Half Alert: Boswer's Hadron Collider.

8) Dr. Bauber is here to help. What would you like to ask him about your ass? For Dan: Explain the daily ritual for your average ass anatomy.

Typical Lab Dissection Day: The Ass Dissection

Dissections happen in the afternoon and we usually have lectures in the morning and right after lunch. So the ass lecture is after lunch and then we have to go down to lab. The class has 150 students and we are split into four color groups for dissections. There are 24 cadavers total. So the group that dissected last (2 days prior) presents to the other three color groups. The group that dissects that day is presented to first. We then go over to the other side of the lab and our cadaver. Unzip the body bag and flip over the body since it is the first posterior dissection. Now this isn't easy since the body is so damn stiff and covered in slippery god knows what. So we flip her over. The ass is completely flattened since they have been lying on their backs for quite some time. So that is an odd sight. We take the scalpel and make some cuts around the exterior of the ass so we can slide out hands underneath. The muscles and nerves are the key structures in this dissection. So you basically take your flattened out hand, insert it beneath the assflap that is partially cut away and start moving in a jabbing motion to separate the fascia from the muscle. This is called blunt dissection. It preserves structures and gets goo all over your arm. You spend a good amount of time doing that. Then we finally remove the entire ass flap only to find that the entirety of the exposed muscles are covered in an inch of fat. You cannot present that to the other groups so you have to clean off the fat. You then take an assortment of scalpels, scissors, probes, and your hands and scrape the fat vigorously. Some of it flies places. It starts to melt and smell horrible. It has to be done. So after about an hour of that our ass is clean and we have one of the best ass dissections in the lab. We even found the pudendal nerve. DO NOT stick your finger in the ischioanal fossa.

9) Last Nanier family spotting?

I'm staring at my dick right now.

10) Given the opportunity, how would you make Kyle Phillips pay?

10/3/09 - OU loses to Miami by 50 points and Jacory Harris grows angel wings and ascends to the Great Kingdom to become Black Jesus.

Bonus question: Explain an original idea for a fundraiser with the purpose of sending Borgeau and Fahn to rehab.

I'll give both of you all my loan money and half of my future earnings if you can devise a plan where you study for me but the knowledge goes to my brain.